Back in December of 2013 when I was pregnant with my daughter, there was a huge blow up between my husband and mother. I was caught right in the middle. They both pitted me against each other, put me in horrible situations, and had no regard for the fact that I was first trimester pregnant. I should have cut them both out of my life at that point because I saw the nastiest sides from each of them that I’ve ever seen in my life.
It was the most stressful pregnancy because of both of their actions. They are both similar in the sense that they don’t let go of grudges, and they don’t care who they hurt. They are both incredibly selfish people. And both expect me to take sides and resolve the overall problem. The problem was between them. Not me. I was a by standard pulled in. My husband pulled his own mother in, which made it worse for my mother, and now she hates her forever. As in won’t talk to her or even be in the same room as her. It has embarrassed me beyond belief as I’m asked every time my MIL visits if my mother would be willing to meet with her. I always have the same answer, no, my mother is stubborn and holds grudges for life.
Fast forward to now, nearly 5 years later. The grudge is still in effect. When my MIL visited us last month, my mom refused to be anywhere near her. This puts a damper in day to day operations since we depend on my mother for so much – helping take the kids to school, laundry, taking kids to activities. My husband isn’t the most hands on husband in that sense, so my mom is my go-to for help. It also doesn’t help that my MIL is the exact opposite of my own mother and incredibly hands-off. She feels when she visits, it is a vacation and she doesn’t want to work. Ever. As a matter of fact, all she could talk about was how she couldn’t wait to get back to happy hour with her peeps in Florida. OK. Cool. I don’t get it, don’t relate, but cool. So when MIL was here a few weeks ago, my husband was triggered back to December 2013, and decides he hates my mother again.
This has been fun. He is just totally ignoring her. Only talks with 2-3 word answers to imperative questions about our kids. This has triggered my mother’s own anxiety, which I haven’t seen in years. She has told me how much this is upsetting her, and I’ve let her know it is all linked back to what happened a few years ago. Her blood pressure rises, I have no doubt, I can tell. My mother is turning 70 in a few weeks. Part of me understands my husband’s frustrations with my mother’s bullshit grudges. But then part of me thinks are you trying to give my 70 year old mother a heart attack? Be the bigger person. Please. Do it for me. Do it for the kids. You don’t need to hang out with her. Just acknowledging her when she is in the room with a simple, “Hello, how are you doing” would be nice.
Now I get to hear my mother after every time that my husband ignores her. Good job husband – you win this round! And my own anxiety rises. But he doesn’t give a shit because he has to make his point.
My mother and husband both suck. Sticking to their ways. Stubborn as hell. Not giving a shit about the impact on others.
Mrs. Mama. Manager. 