Family Drama

Back in December of 2013 when I was pregnant with my daughter, there was a huge blow up between my husband and mother. I was caught right in the middle. They both pitted me against each other, put me in horrible situations, and had no regard for the fact that I was first trimester pregnant. I should have cut them both out of my life at that point because I saw the nastiest sides from each of them that I’ve ever seen in my life.

It was the most stressful pregnancy because of both of their actions. They are both similar in the sense that they don’t let go of grudges, and they don’t care who they hurt. They are both incredibly selfish people. And both expect me to take sides and resolve the overall problem. The problem was between them. Not me. I was a by standard pulled in. My husband pulled his own mother in, which made it worse for my mother, and now she hates her forever. As in won’t talk to her or even be in the same room as her. It has embarrassed me beyond belief as I’m asked every time my MIL visits if my mother would be willing to meet with her. I always have the same answer, no, my mother is stubborn and holds grudges for life.

Fast forward to now, nearly 5 years later. The grudge is still in effect. When my MIL visited us last month, my mom refused to be anywhere near her. This puts a damper in day to day operations since we depend on my mother for so much – helping take the kids to school, laundry, taking kids to activities. My husband isn’t the most hands on husband in that sense, so my mom is my go-to for help. It also doesn’t help that my MIL is the exact opposite of my own mother and incredibly hands-off. She feels when she visits, it is a vacation and she doesn’t want to work. Ever. As a matter of fact, all she could talk about was how she couldn’t wait to get back to happy hour with her peeps in Florida. OK. Cool. I don’t get it, don’t relate, but cool. So when MIL was here a few weeks ago, my husband was triggered back to December 2013, and decides he hates my mother again.

This has been fun. He is just totally ignoring her. Only talks with 2-3 word answers to imperative questions about our kids. This has triggered my mother’s own anxiety, which I haven’t seen in years. She has told me how much this is upsetting her, and I’ve let her know it is all linked back to what happened a few years ago. Her blood pressure rises, I have no doubt, I can tell. My mother is turning 70 in a few weeks. Part of me understands my husband’s frustrations with my mother’s bullshit grudges. But then part of me thinks are you trying to give my 70 year old mother a heart attack? Be the bigger person. Please. Do it for me. Do it for the kids. You don’t need to hang out with her. Just acknowledging her when she is in the room with a simple, “Hello, how are you doing” would be nice.

Now I get to hear my mother after every time that my husband ignores her. Good job husband – you win this round! And my own anxiety rises. But he doesn’t give a shit because he has to make his point.

My mother and husband both suck. Sticking to their ways. Stubborn as hell. Not giving a shit about the impact on others.

WTF Husband?!

My husband is borderline narcissistic. He is very much about himself, and rarely considers any consequence beyond what he is thinking about. This applies to any events he wants to go to, trips, purchases – he is all very spur of the moment when he sees something shiny in front of him. This month he is traveling overseas for 8 days to see a concert and visit some family. Then he goes south for a week long work conference, immediately followed by a trip to Texas for a bachelor party. There will be two 10 day time spans that we won’t see him.  The weekend following the bachelor party, we have an out-of-state wedding that we’re attending. The bride and groom are SUPER nice people. We’re just not that close with them in my opinion. I was kind of surprised that my husband got invited to the bachelor party, but figured it was because he is friends with someone that is in the wedding. So this will be two weekends in a row that he will miss coaching our son’s baseball team. When it impacts my schedule and my kids’ schedule, I start to get annoyed. Annoyance has kicked in.

I was glad when I saw the wedding was on a Sunday. Perfect. We can fly in late Saturday, and out Monday morning, all while coaching the game on Saturday. Of course, he asked me if I wanted to drive because his friends were trying to convince him to drive. OF COURSE THEY ARE! WE HAVE AN EIGHT PASSENGER SUV! It will be *so nice* for them to travel for free. No. It’s a 10.5 hour trip each way – nearly 24 hours of driving. Not going to happen. He was just complaining to me that he was done driving to my home state, 7 hours away. So we sure as fuck aren’t going to drive 24 hours to accommodate his pals. Besides it is a 1.5 hour flight. YESSSS! My time is too valuable to spend an entire day traveling. Of course he starts complaining to me that we need to fly in on Friday or early Saturday because surely everyone will be doing something on Saturday night. I said maybe a rehearsal dinner? That we won’t be invited to. Plus it isn’t like we’re arriving at midnight. We get in at 8:30. Still a reasonable time to socialize if people are out doing things. I told him HE committed to coaching our son’s team, and it is unacceptable to miss as many games/practices as he will be. The LEAST he can do is work with me on this one fucking weekend.

I’ve been married to him for over 12 years now, and love him tremedously. This is nothing new, and it comes in waves. This particular wave is just coming at a really crappy time.


Over Achiever – Sometimes Slacker

I always take on too much. Then I regret it. But I get pumped up before I take things on, and tell myself: YOU CAN DO IT. But can I? Can I really do it all? Not normally. Something slacks. Whether it is my career, housework, not reading enough with my kids, not playing enough with my kids, not cooking deliciously, healthy meals for my family, laundry, being a good daughter, college courses, or my sex life with my husband. Because God only knows at the end of the day, when I’ve “done it all”, I’m exhausted. And I end up not doing it all and sucking (not literally this time) in the wife department.

Let me tell you what I’m up to this semi-quarter (I break my life up into 2.5 month periods because it aligns best with my college semesters and my kids’ baseball seasons.

  • Career – we are doing some serious stuff this quarter with my customer. We’re moving them to the cloud. And by them, I mean 250,000 users. It is all going to fall on me to be a success, and if it doesn’t measure up to be successful, I can probably kiss my job goodbye. So definitely busy there. I was also nominated for a two year leadership program in my company. I don’t know if I “won” yet, but I’ll find out soon. And if I did win, I’ll be busy AF.
  • Baseball Mom – not only are all three of my children signed up for Little League, but they are in different divisions. That’s three or more practices per week, and three or more games per week. Oh, and I’m also managing one of the teams with my husband coaching. This only lasts 2.5 months.
  • College – I’ve gone very far in my career without my degree. While I have 150 college credits to my name thanks to my inability to settle down with a major, none of them add up to a bachelor’s degree. Need to knock that out. I’m to the point now where I need that little degree to move up any more. And I’m sick of my lifetime college student status. So I enrolled in an online class starting….whoops yesterday. Need to get going with it.
  • Back-to-school – I’m an active PTA member. They love me even more since they discovered that for every hour of my time that I volunteer, they get $25. My company is amazing. See first bullet where I need my project to go well, as I don’t want to lose my job. I’ve got three kids, going to two different schools. Lots to do. Thanks to KidBox and KidPik for doing my school shopping. Once less thing to worry about. But you know all the back to school hoopla, plus getting in a chaotic routine to get everyone out the door on-time. It just sucks.
  • Paternal – see my previous entry on my dad moving in, and to our state. SO.MUCH.TO.DO.WITH.HIS.MEDICAL.CARE.
  • Maternal – lucky my mom lives around the corner, is retired, and fully capable of helping out. She doesn’t require much other than some financial help and the occasional box of wine.
  • Other Extracurricular Activities – I know. Maybe I should limit what my children do. Tell the to pick ONE activity for the quarter, and that will be it. But I like staying active with my kids. So it is entirely my own fault. My oldest takes hip hop dance lessons that start in Sept and go until June when they have their recital. Luckily, I’ve scheduled that on a Thursday afternoon after school, so my mom can help. He has also developed a love for art, and we found a place that does weekly art lessons for his age group. I want to run with this, so we are. My middle child is musically gifted, and takes guitar lessons. Luckily, we have someone that comes to us for his weekly lesson. So not terribly difficult to manage. He does practice every single day though. You’ve got to when you are that good! Then there is my baby girl. She has been taking ballet and tap since she was two, but has decided she would like to try her hand at hip hop. She is going to be amazing. She has so much sass and energy. It will be great for her.
  • Reading – Always on our to-do list. And with different reading levels, I need to stay on top of this otherwise one of my kids will be a pro at reading, and the others won’t.
  • Orange Theory Fitness – it is my go-to for my health and sanity. I try for 3-4 days a week. Some weeks, I only make it once. Progress not perfection.
  • Additional Crap – my husband is out of town over half the month of September.

I can’t even enjoy wine when I have this packed of a schedule. I know, I sound like a privileged person complaining. I AM very fortunate that I have the means to do all of this. I’ve worked hard for it, and was no means handed any of it. I come from a lower-income/class family and community, and had a less than desirable childhood. I got out by joining the military, and I worked my way up from the moment I could escape my past life.  I give back in many ways – time and money. And I teach my children to do the same. But when I type it all out, I feel the need to put that disclaimer because, YES, I know. I have a great life and there are many less fortunate people in this world. The chaos is only a season.