Paternal Frustrations

My dad went in the hospital about a month ago. When I found him, he was completely disoriented, had no idea where he was, couldn’t speak, had urinary incontinence, and just got done peeing all over the desk. When I initially asked him why he peed on the desk, my brain still hadn’t connected that something was very wrong. I just saw a pool of urine on the desk. Then I started connecting everything very quickly. I thought perhaps he was having a stroke again, and called for my husband and suggested we take him to the hospital. He wanted no part in touching him or moving him. I don’t really blame him since my dad was completely covered in piss. We called 911 and explained his symptoms, and shortly after a team arrived and began running tests on him. My dad has no memory of his time in the hospital until he was being transported to the rehabilitation center a week later.

Several issues were found – respiratory infection, COPD, Cellulitis, low sodium, and possible pneumonia, alcoholism. When he left the hospital, he was in a wheel chair and could barely walk. After three weeks at the rehabilitation center, I was told he was very high-functioning and in great shape. He has been home a week, and right back in the same condition he was in. Coughing non stop. Told me this morning that he couldn’t hold his pee, and had an accident. Yeah, I suggested that you continue using those Depends, but you said you didn’t need them. I’m buying them. And you’re wearing them. I found a fucking water bottle filled with pee, and asked him why it was filled with pee. He said he couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time. The bathroom is 10 feet from the couch. Looks like shit again. Has been stuck on the couch. Not showering. He came home 7 days ago, and has yet to shower. So fucking gross. I just can’t even. We have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and I told him he needed to clean up before we went. To include a shower. It isn’t that he is incapable because he was getting A+’s from his occupational and physical therapists saying he was mastering all functions. He has fought me on a nursing home, saying that he lacks freedoms, but that is truly what he needs.

My frustration level is at an all-time high with him. And I have very little patience. Something that is incredibly out-of-character for me. I know he can do all this – self care….he chooses not to. The alcohol takes over. Alcoholism is an awful thing. He gets to a point where all he can focus on is beer. Why not stop giving it to him right? Because I know my father. He will break into my stash of alcohol and drink whatever he can. My goal is to get him into his own place after Christmas – a senior citizen apartment. I’ll bring him his groceries, and take him to doctor’s appointments, but he needs to take care of himself. I realize I don’t care enough about him to put that much into him.

It has been so draining having him here already. My entire family is sacrificing for this guy who was in and out of my life for decades. We’ve given him our family room (800 sq feet) and we are paying for it, not having a play area for my kids. It has caused so much stress. And he acts like it isn’t a big deal. On Thanksgiving, I wanted to punch him. Once he got his food and sat down, he started eating right away before everyone else got food. MANNERS! And then my kids were running down their list of what they were thankful for, we normally have everyone say something, but I opted not to since both of my parents were present. And he just ignored them, and kept on eating. So ignorant. Then he made a comment this weekend, on an incredibly rainy day, about how active and loud my kids were. Yeah, you douchebag. You’re living in their play area. It’s raining and they are bursting with energy. Don’t be ungrateful and complain. I’m eager to get him out of my space. What he chooses to do with it, is up to him. I’ll pay for his electric, cable, and food. He will pay his rent. And then I will wash my hands of being his daily caretaker, and transition to more of a weekly basis.

I know I sound like a miserable daughter, but he wasn’t a good father. He was drunk nearly my entire childhood, disappeared for days at a time on binges, wasn’t present, didn’t care, but was such a nice guy which is an added mind-fuck for a young child. I’m being incredibly gracious, as is my husband, opening my home to this guy. He was in an awful space when we got him in June, being taken advantage of by a person who preys on people for money, completely neglected medically, left without food for days at a time. She is a disgusting excuse for a human being, and I am still working to get her out of his life. I’ve taken over my dad’s finances (which isn’t a lot – just enough for his rent), but it is beneficial as awful lady was still trying to take his money. I’m just ready to get him in his own place and out of mine. I’m miserable.

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